colored wax paper #7

知彼知己，百戰不殆；不知彼而知己，一勝一負；不知彼，不知己，每戰必殆.

Yes, I can read Chinese now. Maybe. Well.

So yeah, this marks the end of the colored wax paper posts. And my melancholy, perhaps.
The weather has turned much cooler than the previous days, so I no longer have my headache.
A lesson learned is that I cannot possibly live a life that is not mine. I have regained my own purpose, and it is something that will keep me going a long way.

A note to self: you can lie to everyone and get away with it, but not when you do it to yourself.

Ta.

colored wax paper #6

I need to figure out the reason behind this present melancholy, though I can say that I have got slightly better after I finally decided to take some loads off my shoulder. Right now, I am scared, and I can't hold my ground. I am losing my purpose, or actually I might have lost it. Fighting for nothing, and nothing really matters to me. Drifting on a boat, letting the wind to carry me wherever she wishes. Life is not so pleasant anymore.

It sounds really depressing, but do not patronize me. Yet.

Maybe it is time to dream once again. Imagine all the impossible, a world with no boundary. For I suppose it is worse to live with no dream than to fail to fulfill one.

I am way too complicated as a boy.

And the heat is giving me a massive headache.

colored wax paper #5

YOU ARE TEARING ME APART, LISA! OH HI.

colored wax paper #4

Oh, aren't we all selfish machines here? Full of wants, needs, and desires, yet have no control over anything.

A selfish machine seeking for acceptance. Fulfilling ego and to find place among the others. To belong somewhere. To dream to conquer. Driven by nature. Purposeful in existence. One day to stop.

To live.

colored wax paper #3

Hello again.

I guess the reason why I rarely express myself is just because I am afraid that people will not understand and will not even try. I fear that they might mistakenly judge me. And being judged and misunderstood are very unpleasant. And so I never step outside my box, and just sit there. Doing nothing. Totally nothing.

People still judge in the end.

Staying up late at night can be so soothing. No one is around to judge you. Nice.

Oh, for tonight's random link of the day, #rlotd : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BiAwpYIkRmU

colored wax paper #2

As if the end is creeping near and I am making my best attempts to run and embrace it. Memories stay young but flesh is getting old.

Apart from the fact that insecurity is slowly killing me right now, at least there is a little happiness in what they call an escape. Taking the burden off every now and then, for life isn't always very kind.

Now I wonder if all this time I am really just mentally ill. You know maybe after all this time I am actually no more than a duck, believing that I am actually a human. Twist ending. Bam.

And one more bam in a form of a link:
http://paulocoelhoblog.com/2013/03/06/the-good-fight-3/

colored wax paper

Sad is that I have been rather insecure lately. Especially concerning decisions that I am urged to make soon in the future and my capability as an individual. It turns me somehow unproductive and what better way to spend time than to write a few lines here and note things down?

20 years of life and I am having an existential crisis. Melbourne is a great place, but wasn't exactly a dream to begin with I suppose. Just one more year before another leap to life's next phase, I'd better make the most out of it?

Life would be so much easier as a duck?

streets of bliss

It is funny indeed, reading what I have written in the recent passing year, for 2012 is now a past and 2013 a new blank canvas, I would say this blog has served its purpose well as a means to record my life event. The previous year showed me that life could take an absurd turn in a way we would never have expected, as I saw myself free-falling to moroseness, slowly getting back up to my feet, more or less straining my mental strength to continue further, not knowing where to go exactly. But the journey continues here in 2013. Some people call it as a fresh start - which is a good thing, you know, having sort of a checkpoint in life seems to ease their mind - but for me it's a continuation of what has been and what will become. I'd be very relieved to see that changes happen still all around me for being idle is not quite an option for the livings.

I am still as confused as I am before. If you ask me now where to go exactly in life then I still don't have a clear answer. For I know that there are millions of options, and when people say that they know what to do in life, it is simply that they have decided how to justify their life. Let me say first that I am not the judge of anybody's life, for each of us I believe live a different life in a different body and mind, what one sees can be seen differently by the others. We see that some people undertake vigorous study in commerce just for the sake of getting a good job and earning money. Or some others who learn the science of nature just for human to understand more about the law governing the universe. Or one who works with their pens or paints, creating or preserving a piece that promotes the beauty of nature, or even feeding the thoughts with words or ideas, entertaining, criticizing, scrutinizing all sorts of details life has to offer. And there are still millions of others justifications which us human can take in order to label our existence. But further thinking will lead us to see that all these are in vain. For money is perishable, science is ever-growing but unfathomable still, and any form of arts are relative. It seems very pessimistic to be sure. But still, in all these absurdities, being idle itself is not the answer.

Quoting from Voltaire's Candide, if one is to believe the story of Creation, then human was created to work on the Garden. One may see this implying that human was created to work, to cultivate the Garden, our own garden, and not to rest. But perhaps it should be emphasized here that in our work, even though earthly pleasure sometimes is a necessity for us, for we are but flesh, to focus on them however is a vain indeed. And it got me thinking that life isn't really about who's having the most money, most knowledge, or most skills and others. Indeed having them seems, at least in our knowledge, will make life easier, but I grow to see that perhaps it is not essential. It is superfluous. And superfluousness can be sickening.

It still leaves us to decide how we justify the life we have in our hands. None of them are better options than the others, but still we have to choose. What I shall hope is making the right decision at the right time, although in making a bad one we can learn, and the rest I suppose is beyond our control. Approaching this way seems to go against the worldly expectations, but the world itself is never satisfied anyway.

having lived

You know what, I am more likely to be in my writing mood, late at night, or in today's case, early in the morning. And it's currently the exam period. Couldn't ask for a better time to do some rambling and ranting, right? Right. Besides I haven't done some updates in a while, and aren't you so eager to know what has been going on inside my mind? No? Okay, but I'll write anyway.

Actually, nothing much comes into my mind right now. I have finished one paper which I'd describe as an okay paper, but the one that I thought I could have done better, after all the efforts I gave to that one particular subject. Statistics, I hate you. I thought we were friends and all. You cheated me.

Alright, maybe it's not that bad. But for the last three papers, I just hope that I can do it better. Man, I'm such a nerd. Or kiasu. Or whatever. You know, so far this is one of the things that I can do well in my life. I must say that I have good records on doing so, and I'd like to keep the records going for a bit more. I am not particularly athletic, or artistic in some senses, so let's say that my options are quite narrowed down to this. Sometimes in life, you just need to know that you're at least good at something. Then of course, you might say that there will be something else than I can do other than this, "grades are important, but they are not everything" stuff, that I should have a life or some sorts, which actually brings you/me to the next paragraph.

I know for this one semester in particular I have secluded myself for mostly a life of study. Yes I was having a tough time back then, in the midst of transition between teenager's life and young adulthood, I was often lost, but I sort of persisted to walk through it all by myself. Here's the problem, first, I realized I do need someone to keep me sane, and two, I was just acting as childish as the others were. I was trying to walk on the safe line, in hope to find a little bit of peace and tranquility so I could ponder over everything clearly. Wrong move. Obviously. Then I found out that problems will get you anywhere you are, even when you think you're safe and all's good. It's everywhere, you can't simply avoid it by playing everything safe.

I was not as mature as I thought I was. I was no as independent as I thought I was. I realized that these past two years I always had someone behind my back, I never quite stood so alone though I thought I was. Mind that I do not regret the decision to come here in Melbourne, and I probably shouldn't. This is my life and things in life sometimes don't run that smoothly. Perhaps the fear of immaturity got me, perhaps I was afraid to be judged by the others, perhaps I haven't had a strong foundation yet when I first came here, perhaps I didn't understand enough. I have been walking alone since junior high and that is possibly the best reason why I am still doing it up till now. I should have put more words to elaborate the details, but my mind now kinda wanders now so I'll just leave it as that. I want to say thanks for everyone who has put up with this selfishness of mine though. I am glad that I still have you around. All these years of thinking weren't really that bad, as it has got me to the point where I try my best to understand people. You might not understand me, but if you still manage to put up with me, you have my thanks.

This post suddenly gets all melodramatic. Sheesh.

All things considered, this part of growing up is rather sucks. You should enjoy life while you're young, they say. That of course depends on how each of us define 'enjoying life', I suppose. My adolescence was filled with struggle and acceptance, not quite the life some of you might like. What I know though is that I'm growing my own way, and no I don't have to conform to the world and its norm, never. Perhaps I was born a stranger, but that doesn't stop me to move on my way and change for the better. Ha, cheesy line.

4:36 A.M. in the morning and I will see you whenever I have the urge to write again.

perahu kertas

finished this book in just two days. adorably sweet melancholic-comedic fairy tale. a good book for a dreamer.

i have been trying to find the right mood to write something here, and i guess now is the time.




my life tale so far has not been the smoothest one. i fell, made mistake here and there, been hurt, cried, laughed, and then here i am now enjoying most of my time in a peaceful solitude. not that i mind, an introvert that i am, i consider my 'me-time' much more precious than going on a spree attending parties or events here and there. the life that i live, at this moment, is rather hanging in the balance. 


right now i am uncertain what my future will be, being both curious and anxious at the same time, though i am a firm believer that Someone has set up a story for me beforehand. that somehow my life is weaved in such way leading me to such occurrence. however being human as it is, sometimes i keep wondering if this is how my life is meant to be. if such things had to happen. if i did things so differently, would it change the direction of my life? 

no, i don't regret for the past. the sweet past was such a beautiful thing, too beautiful to live in, too hard to die and be forgotten. it provides the security blanket when the mystery the future holds makes us shivers in our beds.

i am not the biggest conformist out there, and lately this world keeps demanding us to adapt with its norm if we want to be accepted as an individual. this world gets really competitive and i have to be very honest, i am getting sick of it. correct me if i'm wrong, but people now seems to define success in life equals to having ten-digits number in their accounts or a large percentage of share in their investments, more than ever before. people feel like a failure when they fail to become one, not a few think that their dream is basically over, and then live an unhappy life. mourning. it is sad.

i realized then if my life has to be abruptly changed at one point of time, i should make a note for myself that i should not be too sad. i keep asking Him to be honest, "Okay, what now?" when things unfortunately happened, mostly i got no answer but at least i got the strength to move on and changed for the better.

and i supposed i'd rather live a simple, enough life, than a prosperous-pretentious life. we need money, but i don't want my life to revolve around it.

i admit that doing Maths as my major was purely a decision based on my logic. i cannot call maths is my true passion. "Try to be rational in life" they said. and i thought that it might be a good call, hoping that in the later future the skills in this area will be greatly needed and i can get myself a decent job, and make my parents, my family proud. there is a great conflict however, as time passes, knowing that this is not the thing i greatly enjoy to do everyday in my spare time: what if i get stuck for my whole life doing job i do not really enjoy? what if i have no passion to actually work in this area? what if i actually am not good enough to get a job at all? 

those are common questions, you might say to me while reading this post. but still it bothers me, and perhaps you too before, or even now still. i do not necessarily show it, but i appreciated what my parents did to bring me up this far, and i will just feel guilty if i cannot repay for what they did.

i still cannot figure out myself, what my dreams really are, what really can drive me in life. one thing i know is that i want to do something to help people, i don't know if i have the capability to though.

strange how the book i mentioned earlier allowed me to face myself in this post. maybe it has its strong aftereffects affecting the sentimental me in a way. again i am being too melancholic again now.

i don't know if my idea of such simplicity in life is only a justification in fear of failure. i won't complain if i am triumphant but then again i also don't think that such complexity will lead me to a better life.

He does not play dice. for now i suppose, i will just keep discovering new things in life, and believe that it will lead me to paths drawn by the Painter. A Painter that puts His soul into every piece of arts He created.

striding the heights

just a quick update on life:
i have been doing mighty well, thank you. no, i have not yet received any Nobel prize for being so awesome, but i guess this holiday - it has been good so far.

and yeah re-reading what i wrote years ago (actually it has only been two years) brought back some memories. i don't know how i came up with the verses i used to write before. i tried to bring back those imaginations, but apparently i cannot, for now.

been doing a lot of part time works, and learned a lot from there, and earned quite some. i must say i did not regret my decision for not coming back this winter. it has given me some time for myself and just myself to meditate over some actions i did last semester (mostly being overly depressed after a girl turned this poor soul down), do some check-up concerning my bodily health, and rediscover my new ignited passion for gaming life, which sounds very nerdish, but makes my happiness level increases.

other than that, yes i have been trying to keep my brain challenged during this holiday, to sort of warm it up before the next semester begins, in about less than a week now.

i hope it will be one interesting semester. pray, it will be much less depressing than the previous one i had. pray, i will be more mentally stable as i soon leave the teenagers' life.

amen to all that.

reclusion

The sky has turned red, but the ship has not arrived yet. The girl gets really nervous that he might not or never see her love again, the thought kills. She walks back and forth, along the dock, waiting for the sound of horn to break the silence or at least the hint of light from faraway to give her hope, the slightest hope for her to believe that he will return. "He will, he has promised", she keeps muttering to put her mind at rest. Her heart though, is not fully settled. There is a sense of doubt, to expect the worst to happen, and she has always been the girl with the most pessimistic way of thinking. Sweats begin to drip off from her forehead, she uses her arm to wipe them off. Her hands turn cold, really cold that she could barely move it. She tries to sit, but for never more than a minute before she starts to walk back and forth again. She has been here since mid day and now it's getting dark. Her hope is almost shattered, one more minute and she will embrace her fall. "I know he was lying, I know he was", she said, in contrary to her conviction a few minutes ago.

The wind blows even stronger, intentionally she supposed, laughing to mock her. Tears begin to fall from her somber eyes. Her lips are no longer bright red, now turns pale. Her body grows weak, as she falls into the ground, losing her balance and half of her consciousness. With a blurred vision she stares into the sea, no longer able to see the horizon. She has lost her sight, her love, as the sun drowns, and is now sinking into the sea.

are you happy inside? (preface)

i don't know if i really am experiencing a post-teen crisis, or what, but i've been thinking a lot lately. and so i decided once again to pour it out here. i haven't really been studying today. i did not feel like it at all to be honest. no, it was not because of that particular problem that i mentioned in the earlier post, i believe it was something else. though perhaps this could be however, an after-effect of my breakdown.

i am not happy lately. no. i feel like the things i have been doing really did not make me entirely happy, well, as a person. i know, i know that life has its cycle (most of the time we are at the bottom of the cycle for some reason), and so happiness does not come all the time. but i just feel like something's missing from what i've been doing so far. i do not know what or why i feel something like this, but it troubles me lately.

it is as if my life so far has been... boring and plain. nothing so interesting happened, it was safe i assume, but it was not really thrilling at the same time. and no, don't get the wrong idea, i do not intend to do anything stupid here and find the so-called worldly escape (though in my opinion i do not and cannot blame others who may find their happiness there, they could, but often what people find there is only self-denial).  i know well enough it will get me nowhere, i need more of an answer rather than an escape.

...

i am now up to the point where i think maybe i am just trying to rationalize my laziness into something more complex, and so i think it's better to continue this later on the next post. if i insist, i might just let out some words i never meant to say and hence will make this post nothing more than a trivial text.  i promise i will write again soon, as that kind of thoughts strikes me often lately.

confession letter

o blog. how long has it been since we parted? now i've come back again to tell you another story, thrilling, sad, but somehow i know i should be grateful for it.

before i started, actually i've been thinking to put up another post here since i haven't done so for quite some time, but i realized at that time the words just didn't come out, my mind was not at ease at all, and so i could not force myself to translate my thoughts into sentences, into such one long post which now i will write, which perhaps i will regret doing later in the future, perhaps not.

it is nearly 2 A.M here, and yeah i should've gone to bed really. i should write later in the morning with fresher mind and body.... no. as i thought this actually might be the perfect time to write. i am tired, my soul is weary, my thoughts however is... tranquil at this hour. i am free from distraction, i do not have anymore task to do, i am free to write.

these days time passed so quick. or i should say these past few months. a lot of things happened. school assignments were out of the question. i'm still doing part time work regularly every weekend but that was not the drag. something else happened, and yes it was bad. so bad.

if you still remember that i mentioned a few months ago that i met a new acquaintance, and yeah we got along so fine, so fine that i got my feelings involved. and things got worse, and things went absurd. and now we are just basically turned back into strangers. that was it. three lines in a paragraph which describes everything that had happened, seemed like nothing really to get so flustered about, but i had to admit that it was awful, and took me some time to actually recover. i hid it well, you never know, of course you don't, and it was nothing, it was simply me being emotionally unstable as a teenager, and i knew one day i would bounce back anyway... that was how i convinced myself that i would be okay, but it took me almost a month to swallow the truth.

the important thing here however is not the problem by itself. i know what caused it so well, which i personally would not describe in details here since it would sound so silly (see i don't want to make myself seems so stupid here), but instead on how i managed to tackle it, and how i learned from it as a person,  and how it changes me.

He helps me. He does. or She does, you get the point, you know who I am referring to. it may sound so weird to say, how i turn into such a religious person all of a sudden. well, i have to say i am not that religious yet but obviously i have put my trust on Him again. i prayed, and prayed, and of course He didn't give me a straight answer (He never did, well), but i guess it's the strength that He gave and the confidence that i would be okay which kept me going. i am tired of finding every answers myself, and the feelings that someone got your back is just... nice. it may still be a long way for me to become a saint or whatever, but believes me at least now it's getting better. there is no logical explanation for this experience, so i am not going to elaborate it in a such convincing way.

and i also learned how greatly our environments and upbringings affect our perspectives and most importantly behavior. i mean, i know that they do, but i guess i have just seen (and experienced) a real life example of how they really do, how these two factors contribute so much on our diversities (in every aspect of us). when these diversities collide, this is i guess when toleration comes in, when you sometimes just have to hold back your ego and your life principle - not for the sake of winning later on, there's no such things like winning or losing here - but to actually make your life much more easier, to actually realize that we might act the same way when the same environments and upbringings were applied to our life, and perhaps then to learn from it to hence improve ourselves.
i don't know why this is turning like an essay, but that is what i see from it.

i tried to enter a world which was really different than mine, and trying to force my ego back there, and i guess now i learned. it's not that you can never merge the difference. you can never merge two solid hard things together, of course in order to do that you have to soften them first. the same analogy i suppose applies to this.

i was drifting nowhere for a few weeks. to be honest i lost a whole lot of my confidence (here again, i was emotionally in despair over such a small matter). the Easter break was indeed a great time to actually recover and got back to my own two feet (if only i had not had to do assignments, sigh). i got a lot better after that and began to pick up the pieces to move on.

this whole experience however has changed me in such a way that i perhaps have never imagined. if perhaps that clash did not happen then i might still be the same old me, you know, very proud and confident that he was strong and full of false imagination. in reality i am not, but i know i learned a few things from this, so it's good. it is always good to know that you can change for the better. it did push me to my limit, and i survived.

i am now learning to tolerate others better, learning to be more positive (this is hard, i was not born with such talent), learning to sometimes just let things go and enjoy life more (not in a bad way), but yeah all of them are still in process but hey i am off for a good start.

it is probably my longest post so far in this blog. i hope it makes such a quality post after such a long hiatus. difference is great, but handle it really with care.

i don't know now why i am telling you all this, but oh well.

cheers.

first quarter

march march, you took me by surprise.

now think about it, it has been two months since i came back here to melbourne and it is nearly a month since i finished my summer class. how routines have taken up my days and how it has forced me to put myself in full gear... or at least i have attempted to.

i wouldn't say that i have been slacking that much, though at the same time i cannot say that i have been really productive in terms of studying. i felt overwhelmed by the amount of new materials offered to me in the first two weeks of uni and it has dispirited me a bit. the good thing is that i have less distraction now, hence i can fully focus my attention to studying and all. many lovebirds coupled during summer and no, ha, sorry to disappoint you but i am not one of them. i would rather not to for now, since i still have a lot of things to sort out and to let others get into my life, my ego is still a little bit too high for that.

i am trying my best to read books regularly now, as a means to improve my english and such. i finally finished my oliver twist's book during my short break and now moving on to kafka's. with all the piling assignments, i will try my best to manage some time to read it.

since embedding for this video is disabled, so I'll just post the link here

i'd better turn away from the computer to be more productive.

don't kick the chair

I decided that this might be the best time to actually put another entry. I no longer suffer from such emotion drift and being melodramatic. Maybe I still do, but yes, things have gradually got better.

Time flew as I realized that it was my fourth week of summer here and january is going to end soon. The weather becomes less hotter each day though I do not wish to jinx it to be extremely hot again in a couple of days.

Here I am sitting in my room with two windows opened enjoying loud music from my laptop. I supposed to do some of maths work but it is still too early, and I have just woken up a couple of hours ago, and I am not in my study mood. By loud music, I mean this:



#edit: I've just found out that they make such greatly authentic music videos for their other songs. Go check it out if you feel like it.

I met a new acquaintance and I felt this tingling sensation; a thrill; a sense of pleasure since I know I myself am not an extrovert and it is actually hard for me to form a relationship with another people. So it has been good, so far. I have to admit that one of the reasons was because I felt bored going through a lonely summer here. I know I still have a few old friends here but the urge to try new things I guess what caused this to happen. And hey I took the chance.

Another news to be told is that I am now half-assured of what I want to do later in the future, and I am happy with this progress. Mathematics did not seem to be my thing in my previous years of life, but I started to think that it might be one of the best options I have right now. Who knows, perhaps it will really become my prime tool to necessarily survive in my future life.

I reckon that is all for now. I will write soon when I have more to say.

Cheers.

a confused fox chasing its own tail

It's not nice because it's hot. And no one is here.

That, apart from me having a jet lag and emotion drift which I don't know how long it will last before I start to adapt once again. And let another cycle runs.

I managed myself, restless after a more or less 12 hours journey, setting the troubling thoughts aside for a moment. I woke up a couple of hours later to find out that I really have stranded myself in this continent again. The thoughts crept back in and nearly got over me. Suffocating, I dragged my body out of bed, taking a quick shower and went out to do what I had to do: buying a lecture note and food for me to survive the night.


I wonder why some people I met seem to be very much fine after all the journey. I wonder if they actually felt the same way or is it just me being really... emotional.

I remembered it vaguely that this also happened to me around 6 months ago, though I think this is a bit much worse. The feelings, did become less intense as day passed, as I slowly merged myself with routines. I could only hope the same thing will happen this time, because this is not very much fun.

One of my new year resolution is however, to be more optimistic and positive. It has only been two days and these kind of things already got me down. I know I should not complain much and just take it easy, but still, I don't want to take things too lightly that I end up regretting later.

'Galau' describes me well, I suppose.

On a brighter note, I think I have convinced myself with an important decision. A reason that keeps me going, a goal perhaps. A rather fixed plan for the future.

Then I realized that only by moving on to here, I am allowed to learn new things, experience more, and make silly mistakes. It does not feel good, but I supposed I have to.

I am rather excited to see what is going to happen if I manage to pull myself and boldly let out the crazy idea that I still have in my mind right now, in another definition: making a break-through.

I supposed this is a good start.

Sorry for another structure-less post. My mind loves to jump from one topic to another.


I'm kinda sad that she had to resign from the band to pursue, in my opinion, 'a more promising' career. But hey, it may be the best decision she could make at that time.

Oh, one thing I nearly forgot. I have a plan to actually make a new blog where I can post some random stuff, but this time I will write it in bahasa. I don't want to mix them up here and I thought that I would actually just make a new blog for it. I haven't thought up a name yet, but let's hope it will be up as soon as possible :)

molting

I will try my best to make this post less suicidal than the previous one. But hey, I'm in a better mood so I guess I'm off for a good start.

Holiday has almost ended for me, as tomorrow I will fly back to Melbourne and continue my university life once again, doing summer subject which I do think I will not regret taking. Compared to the holiday I had before during winter break, I do personally think that this one has been a whole lot better.

I learned how to swim. A skill that I suppose I should have learned years ago, but I guess: better late than nothing. I have to be honest that I didn't expect that I will enjoy it as much as I do now. You should have known that I am sucks at most sports, so for me this whole swimming lesson thing, at first, was a big deal. I had to go through some frustration being unable to float in the water, though perhaps a bit of persistence kept me going and tadaaa, now I proudly announce that: I CAN SWIM.

This one month plus holiday also got me thinking a lot concerning my future. I know that at some points I felt like the pressure was just too much to handle. If you actually read my previous post, you might have realized that I haven't found the thing I want to do for a living yet. I need to make a decision real soon, and I really wish that I make it right.

Some people said that I should just follow my heart and not actually over-think it. Some others said that I should ask myself what my dream actually is and plan my life based on that dream.

Well I have one, though if I told you it might sounded very childish.

One of the reasons why I love going back to my country, other than the food and the fact that my parents are here, is the people. Yes. The people. I might sound corny in the next few sentences and you might start wondering whether I am just, losing my mind, or not, but: somehow I still care for them and wish I can do something for them. The thing is that the 'me' now has no power nor wisdom whatsoever to actually do something. Why, you ask? Why bother?

As I was writing this, I started to ponder and tried to find a definite reason why. But I could not. Maybe simply because there is no logic in it and there should not be. They fascinate me, that is all.

And so, if I have to start paving my path for my future life, I keep wondering if I should really take this matter into concern. I need to dig deep down and make sure that this is a strong enough reason to keep me going on.

Though one thing that I can be sure of, for now, is that I need to change anyway. Keep working out on my flaws, going through the hardship to learn new things, and I believe, to actually move on and brace myself with all the changes.

As tomorrow I'll be leaving my hometown once again, 'moving on' back to Melbourne, I can only believe that this is the way I will be transformed into something better. In a few months, as I return back here, I need to be sure that I can picture and plan my future a whole lot better.

We pray and have a little faith.

I guess this is quite a long entry, and I have to admit that it is kinda nice, pouring all the thoughts and share it to whoever want to waste their minutes reading it. I guess I am tired of keeping all things myself.

Meanwhile, happy 2012 and I hope all of us are ready for a new start.

i refuse!

i've been thinking for quite some time to actually write a blog post in bahasa, since it gives me more freedom to express myself clearly and fluently.

i might do that some other time. soon perhaps.

time has definitely passed so quick yet again and i know right that i have been neglecting this blog lately. one particular reason because i was just being lazy sometimes to open the web here. terrible internet connection and such. and maybe because i really had no story to tell. or even if there is/are, i had no idea what to share.

i have been on these crossroads of life for quite some time. in a struggle to find what my passion is and what i want to do in the future. separating ideal, dream, and reality.

one question troubled me a lot lately: "what major are you going to take?"

most of the time, i answered: "well, currently i'm taking science study course, but still indecisive of what to take later, between A or B" (which i know, does not answer the question).

to be honest, i have no answer.  a shrug will actually do, but i know that is not actually an acceptable answer in most cases.

so yeah. i do not know. i still have no idea, up till now.

for some people it is actually an easy process. either they make their own choice based on passion or popularity or what such, they have high (enough) confidence in their decision. some might have their parents involved in the process, directed in such way that they don't have to take on the responsibility of deciding themselves.

as for me i have been giving it quite some thought. i want to follow my passion but i am not, well, quite sure what my passion is. for me this is a very serious matter because i do not want to waste my time and my parents' money doing major that i will regret doing in the future. i do not wish to make such mistake. i want to be really careful on making this decision but i am now running out of time.

i do not want to do a major, get a job, live a life, just for the sake of living.

and another key problem is that i am not sure if i want to live permanently in australia.

my head now is full of ideal. i need to make a room for some reality. but for how much, so for at the same time i will still be able to keep my ideal alive? i know that each of us has our own fate. but i do not wish to be so submissive that i let go all my dream and submit fully to reality.

'let His will be done', does not mean that we should stop dreaming.

i'm really sorry that this turns out to be such a depressive post. but i feel like pouring my thoughts out, because keeping things yourself can be a tough business.



NOTE: and yeah, i have just actually realized that this particular video receives much negative comments mostly due to her expression during the whole song (in comparison to natasha bedingfield, and i don't suppose this is fair since she is a well-known singer, this fact alone makes judging one-sided). quality apart, it was just great that to see them together.

moving on

the moment you stare at a blank screen of a new blog post, the moment when all your thoughts start to abandon you.

so i guess i will just start by telling that i have been here in surabaya for almost two weeks? now that was quick. have not done much in particular, as the only thing i did on my first week here was slacking off all day long enjoying a non-busy life. this place has not changed much, apart from some new malls and restaurants and cafes of which names i have just heard.


despite of the naiveness this country still show , i love this country and i cannot explicitly say why... i can, but i just prefer to keep it personal.


the second week started and yeh, i finally decided to do something: learning how to swim. fyi, i had never actually tried holding my breath underwater before, let alone swimming, so this was surprisingly, as i think of it now, a crazy idea that i came up with just to fool around with myself and perhaps man up myself a bit. i hardly ever entered water so this whole swimming thing for me, is a pretty big deal.

but i have to admit it was quite fun, though i still am pathetic at it.
and i admit that i might have turned out to be a man not so manly despite myself turning to twenty next year. i am kind of glad that i am not typical, but sometimes it just troubles me for not being able to be 'normal'.


and i have not really thought about my future, about what i'm going to do and such. it's not that i don't want to plan, it's just that... i just can't picture a job i really want to do. time is running out i know, but how can we force things out here?


these are the songs i've been listening to lately:





i just wish some things will work out, accordingly.