are you happy inside? (preface)

i don't know if i really am experiencing a post-teen crisis, or what, but i've been thinking a lot lately. and so i decided once again to pour it out here. i haven't really been studying today. i did not feel like it at all to be honest. no, it was not because of that particular problem that i mentioned in the earlier post, i believe it was something else. though perhaps this could be however, an after-effect of my breakdown.

i am not happy lately. no. i feel like the things i have been doing really did not make me entirely happy, well, as a person. i know, i know that life has its cycle (most of the time we are at the bottom of the cycle for some reason), and so happiness does not come all the time. but i just feel like something's missing from what i've been doing so far. i do not know what or why i feel something like this, but it troubles me lately.

it is as if my life so far has been... boring and plain. nothing so interesting happened, it was safe i assume, but it was not really thrilling at the same time. and no, don't get the wrong idea, i do not intend to do anything stupid here and find the so-called worldly escape (though in my opinion i do not and cannot blame others who may find their happiness there, they could, but often what people find there is only self-denial).  i know well enough it will get me nowhere, i need more of an answer rather than an escape.

...

i am now up to the point where i think maybe i am just trying to rationalize my laziness into something more complex, and so i think it's better to continue this later on the next post. if i insist, i might just let out some words i never meant to say and hence will make this post nothing more than a trivial text.  i promise i will write again soon, as that kind of thoughts strikes me often lately.