kutukan menara Babel

It has been awhile since I wrote anything in Bahasa. It feels funny. The last time I wrote a proper one was perhaps during senior high school.

Pengaruh buku itu ajaib. Paling tidak itulah salah satu alasan kenapa sajak/puisi dan tulisan bebas ini terbentuk. Disaat semua orang berlomba mendapatkan ilham dari tulisan-tulisan asing, anehnya bagiku semuanya diawali dari sebuah cerita manis Perahu Kertas, yang kemudian mengantarkanku untuk melanjutkan tetralogi Laskar Pelangi dan disanalah kudapat pelajaran bermakna dari tulisan seorang Andrea Hirata. Identitasku seperti ada yang terlengkapi, meskipun prosesnya tak mudah karena gengsi: budaya dan kesenian luar yang semakin dianggap orang lebih baik secara absolut daripada milik bangsa sendiri. Tapi paling tidak sekarang aku mendapatkan sedikit penyeimbangan, dan ini seperti angin segar di tengah penatnya kehidupan perkuliahan tahun ini. Ini cukup menyenangkan. 

Mungkin pada akhirnya pun kita harus jujur pada diri sendiri.

Dan inilah yang kutulis:
"Mereka berlari, berpeluh, dan berteriak, seakan telah mumpunilah mereka dengan apa yang mereka lakukan.
Namun hati mereka tetap bergelimang, menanti nasib yang tak jelas datangnya, yang walau ditunggu tak kunjung jua menampakkan wujudnya, yang ditangisi pun tetap tegar membujur kaku.
Kesenangan mereka semu, datangnya hanya sesaat, semalam menghilang, seminggu terlupa, setahun apalagi.
Berkejaran tanpa arah, mereka tersesat dalam mimpi orang lain.
Dan itu miris."

Catatan tambahan: 
Negara ini memang bobrok disana-sini, celanya mengakar kemana-mana. Yang kurang ilmu mengikut saja induk semangnya. Tak heran mereka dijajah selama berabad-abad. Kalaupun sedikit lebih pandai, tak sedikit yang tingkahnya seperti binatang liar, buas dan tak beradab. Menabur benih di pagi hari, berharap menuai di sore hari. Kesenangannya dipuaskan dunia, sengsaranya diadukan ke surga. Persis seperti orang salah asuhan, dipuji tak sepantasnya dicerca tak semestinya. Dan... ini kasihan. Negara yang bisa menjadi besar, namun untuk sementara ini, waktu belum menakdirkannya.

perahu kertas

finished this book in just two days. adorably sweet melancholic-comedic fairy tale. a good book for a dreamer.

i have been trying to find the right mood to write something here, and i guess now is the time.




my life tale so far has not been the smoothest one. i fell, made mistake here and there, been hurt, cried, laughed, and then here i am now enjoying most of my time in a peaceful solitude. not that i mind, an introvert that i am, i consider my 'me-time' much more precious than going on a spree attending parties or events here and there. the life that i live, at this moment, is rather hanging in the balance. 


right now i am uncertain what my future will be, being both curious and anxious at the same time, though i am a firm believer that Someone has set up a story for me beforehand. that somehow my life is weaved in such way leading me to such occurrence. however being human as it is, sometimes i keep wondering if this is how my life is meant to be. if such things had to happen. if i did things so differently, would it change the direction of my life? 

no, i don't regret for the past. the sweet past was such a beautiful thing, too beautiful to live in, too hard to die and be forgotten. it provides the security blanket when the mystery the future holds makes us shivers in our beds.

i am not the biggest conformist out there, and lately this world keeps demanding us to adapt with its norm if we want to be accepted as an individual. this world gets really competitive and i have to be very honest, i am getting sick of it. correct me if i'm wrong, but people now seems to define success in life equals to having ten-digits number in their accounts or a large percentage of share in their investments, more than ever before. people feel like a failure when they fail to become one, not a few think that their dream is basically over, and then live an unhappy life. mourning. it is sad.

i realized then if my life has to be abruptly changed at one point of time, i should make a note for myself that i should not be too sad. i keep asking Him to be honest, "Okay, what now?" when things unfortunately happened, mostly i got no answer but at least i got the strength to move on and changed for the better.

and i supposed i'd rather live a simple, enough life, than a prosperous-pretentious life. we need money, but i don't want my life to revolve around it.

i admit that doing Maths as my major was purely a decision based on my logic. i cannot call maths is my true passion. "Try to be rational in life" they said. and i thought that it might be a good call, hoping that in the later future the skills in this area will be greatly needed and i can get myself a decent job, and make my parents, my family proud. there is a great conflict however, as time passes, knowing that this is not the thing i greatly enjoy to do everyday in my spare time: what if i get stuck for my whole life doing job i do not really enjoy? what if i have no passion to actually work in this area? what if i actually am not good enough to get a job at all? 

those are common questions, you might say to me while reading this post. but still it bothers me, and perhaps you too before, or even now still. i do not necessarily show it, but i appreciated what my parents did to bring me up this far, and i will just feel guilty if i cannot repay for what they did.

i still cannot figure out myself, what my dreams really are, what really can drive me in life. one thing i know is that i want to do something to help people, i don't know if i have the capability to though.

strange how the book i mentioned earlier allowed me to face myself in this post. maybe it has its strong aftereffects affecting the sentimental me in a way. again i am being too melancholic again now.

i don't know if my idea of such simplicity in life is only a justification in fear of failure. i won't complain if i am triumphant but then again i also don't think that such complexity will lead me to a better life.

He does not play dice. for now i suppose, i will just keep discovering new things in life, and believe that it will lead me to paths drawn by the Painter. A Painter that puts His soul into every piece of arts He created.

curiosity kills the cat.