confession letter

o blog. how long has it been since we parted? now i've come back again to tell you another story, thrilling, sad, but somehow i know i should be grateful for it.

before i started, actually i've been thinking to put up another post here since i haven't done so for quite some time, but i realized at that time the words just didn't come out, my mind was not at ease at all, and so i could not force myself to translate my thoughts into sentences, into such one long post which now i will write, which perhaps i will regret doing later in the future, perhaps not.

it is nearly 2 A.M here, and yeah i should've gone to bed really. i should write later in the morning with fresher mind and body.... no. as i thought this actually might be the perfect time to write. i am tired, my soul is weary, my thoughts however is... tranquil at this hour. i am free from distraction, i do not have anymore task to do, i am free to write.

these days time passed so quick. or i should say these past few months. a lot of things happened. school assignments were out of the question. i'm still doing part time work regularly every weekend but that was not the drag. something else happened, and yes it was bad. so bad.

if you still remember that i mentioned a few months ago that i met a new acquaintance, and yeah we got along so fine, so fine that i got my feelings involved. and things got worse, and things went absurd. and now we are just basically turned back into strangers. that was it. three lines in a paragraph which describes everything that had happened, seemed like nothing really to get so flustered about, but i had to admit that it was awful, and took me some time to actually recover. i hid it well, you never know, of course you don't, and it was nothing, it was simply me being emotionally unstable as a teenager, and i knew one day i would bounce back anyway... that was how i convinced myself that i would be okay, but it took me almost a month to swallow the truth.

the important thing here however is not the problem by itself. i know what caused it so well, which i personally would not describe in details here since it would sound so silly (see i don't want to make myself seems so stupid here), but instead on how i managed to tackle it, and how i learned from it as a person,  and how it changes me.

He helps me. He does. or She does, you get the point, you know who I am referring to. it may sound so weird to say, how i turn into such a religious person all of a sudden. well, i have to say i am not that religious yet but obviously i have put my trust on Him again. i prayed, and prayed, and of course He didn't give me a straight answer (He never did, well), but i guess it's the strength that He gave and the confidence that i would be okay which kept me going. i am tired of finding every answers myself, and the feelings that someone got your back is just... nice. it may still be a long way for me to become a saint or whatever, but believes me at least now it's getting better. there is no logical explanation for this experience, so i am not going to elaborate it in a such convincing way.

and i also learned how greatly our environments and upbringings affect our perspectives and most importantly behavior. i mean, i know that they do, but i guess i have just seen (and experienced) a real life example of how they really do, how these two factors contribute so much on our diversities (in every aspect of us). when these diversities collide, this is i guess when toleration comes in, when you sometimes just have to hold back your ego and your life principle - not for the sake of winning later on, there's no such things like winning or losing here - but to actually make your life much more easier, to actually realize that we might act the same way when the same environments and upbringings were applied to our life, and perhaps then to learn from it to hence improve ourselves.
i don't know why this is turning like an essay, but that is what i see from it.

i tried to enter a world which was really different than mine, and trying to force my ego back there, and i guess now i learned. it's not that you can never merge the difference. you can never merge two solid hard things together, of course in order to do that you have to soften them first. the same analogy i suppose applies to this.

i was drifting nowhere for a few weeks. to be honest i lost a whole lot of my confidence (here again, i was emotionally in despair over such a small matter). the Easter break was indeed a great time to actually recover and got back to my own two feet (if only i had not had to do assignments, sigh). i got a lot better after that and began to pick up the pieces to move on.

this whole experience however has changed me in such a way that i perhaps have never imagined. if perhaps that clash did not happen then i might still be the same old me, you know, very proud and confident that he was strong and full of false imagination. in reality i am not, but i know i learned a few things from this, so it's good. it is always good to know that you can change for the better. it did push me to my limit, and i survived.

i am now learning to tolerate others better, learning to be more positive (this is hard, i was not born with such talent), learning to sometimes just let things go and enjoy life more (not in a bad way), but yeah all of them are still in process but hey i am off for a good start.

it is probably my longest post so far in this blog. i hope it makes such a quality post after such a long hiatus. difference is great, but handle it really with care.

i don't know now why i am telling you all this, but oh well.

cheers.