having lived

You know what, I am more likely to be in my writing mood, late at night, or in today's case, early in the morning. And it's currently the exam period. Couldn't ask for a better time to do some rambling and ranting, right? Right. Besides I haven't done some updates in a while, and aren't you so eager to know what has been going on inside my mind? No? Okay, but I'll write anyway.

Actually, nothing much comes into my mind right now. I have finished one paper which I'd describe as an okay paper, but the one that I thought I could have done better, after all the efforts I gave to that one particular subject. Statistics, I hate you. I thought we were friends and all. You cheated me.

Alright, maybe it's not that bad. But for the last three papers, I just hope that I can do it better. Man, I'm such a nerd. Or kiasu. Or whatever. You know, so far this is one of the things that I can do well in my life. I must say that I have good records on doing so, and I'd like to keep the records going for a bit more. I am not particularly athletic, or artistic in some senses, so let's say that my options are quite narrowed down to this. Sometimes in life, you just need to know that you're at least good at something. Then of course, you might say that there will be something else than I can do other than this, "grades are important, but they are not everything" stuff, that I should have a life or some sorts, which actually brings you/me to the next paragraph.

I know for this one semester in particular I have secluded myself for mostly a life of study. Yes I was having a tough time back then, in the midst of transition between teenager's life and young adulthood, I was often lost, but I sort of persisted to walk through it all by myself. Here's the problem, first, I realized I do need someone to keep me sane, and two, I was just acting as childish as the others were. I was trying to walk on the safe line, in hope to find a little bit of peace and tranquility so I could ponder over everything clearly. Wrong move. Obviously. Then I found out that problems will get you anywhere you are, even when you think you're safe and all's good. It's everywhere, you can't simply avoid it by playing everything safe.

I was not as mature as I thought I was. I was no as independent as I thought I was. I realized that these past two years I always had someone behind my back, I never quite stood so alone though I thought I was. Mind that I do not regret the decision to come here in Melbourne, and I probably shouldn't. This is my life and things in life sometimes don't run that smoothly. Perhaps the fear of immaturity got me, perhaps I was afraid to be judged by the others, perhaps I haven't had a strong foundation yet when I first came here, perhaps I didn't understand enough. I have been walking alone since junior high and that is possibly the best reason why I am still doing it up till now. I should have put more words to elaborate the details, but my mind now kinda wanders now so I'll just leave it as that. I want to say thanks for everyone who has put up with this selfishness of mine though. I am glad that I still have you around. All these years of thinking weren't really that bad, as it has got me to the point where I try my best to understand people. You might not understand me, but if you still manage to put up with me, you have my thanks.

This post suddenly gets all melodramatic. Sheesh.

All things considered, this part of growing up is rather sucks. You should enjoy life while you're young, they say. That of course depends on how each of us define 'enjoying life', I suppose. My adolescence was filled with struggle and acceptance, not quite the life some of you might like. What I know though is that I'm growing my own way, and no I don't have to conform to the world and its norm, never. Perhaps I was born a stranger, but that doesn't stop me to move on my way and change for the better. Ha, cheesy line.

4:36 A.M. in the morning and I will see you whenever I have the urge to write again.