1050 and it's not that late

uni's going to start and i cannot describe my feeling. shouldn't i be excited? no more than being worry and nervous, barely expecting anything. i need to get used to the workloads, to every routines that i will do starting from tomorrow, wake up and go to bed early, and so people say that this is how life is continuing. we are becoming an adult and expected more, to learn more, to seek more, and finally to be able to produce.

i find myself not far from where i was during highschool. perhaps there was a little change in attitude but not really. i sometimes wonder if i really should become and transform myself to a totally different person and that's how i should do it to enter adulthood. to change. to be a better, responsible person. to become mature.

looking at myself right now, pondering, i am now not sure whether i am ready enough to grow up. well, i had never been so ready anyway and somehow tackled all the process with some ups and downs. and that's how i reached this place. but i don't know, i am not sure as i was. people say when we get older, it becomes harder for us to learn and to change. it's because we've already hold on this particular principle, each defines who we are. we are not capable to turn back time and start fresh to build a new persona, image, and... soul. i wish we can, but isn't it now a bit too late for that?

as i am now, feeling as i travel alone. i wonder if the upper being there begins to hate me or perhaps long has forgotten my name. indeed i have walked far from what they call 'truth' and 'virtue'. sometimes it bugs me, but sometimes i only need to shrug it off to let the thoughts disappear. i am not totally, or totally not perhaps is the right phrase, a saint. and i begin to wonder if this corruption will make life harder? perhaps not, so they say.

i want to do a lot of thing and really just to throw away all the mistakes i made in the past. an itinerary. i write plans but to actually turn it into a real action is another thing to do. i have fear in heart, and so mine is trembling. i convince myself that everything will be okay and hopefully it will.

a glass of milk chai keeps me accompanied this night. not a coffee, but it kinda reminds me that i still owe you that one coffee tour. but meh, you never quite listen.

i see not a thing in the window right now, and perhaps it is cold outside. i'd call it a day in a few minutes, just let me finish that chai milk.