day one

it was half past five in the afternoon when i walked into the stadium. i was all tensed and could not believe that i actually made it there. standing in front of me, a group of people in those white suits that i very well recognized. my heart was beating even faster when i walked towards them. stranger in a family. lamb surrounded by a pack of wolves. i braced myself and let not my heart to win, and so i began to talk: "is this the fencing club?"

the feeling is still the same. same as what i had a few months ago. perhaps years. i could not bring myself fully into it although i really want to embrace it. it feels like i know them but i don't. i was completely lost when i saw them playing. it was all the same. the only thing that made a difference was that they speak a language i did not comprehend. the rules are all the same, but when it was spoken in a different language, it made all the difference.

first day at university and i felt totally wasted. i was as lost as those guys on the street walking with their maps in hand to find out where swanston street was when they actually were walking down the street they had been searching for. i supposedly knew what was the right thing to do but my mind did not realize it. it was not until 5 pm where it all began to fade away and i had this urge to escape. to escape from the freeze and to let myself enjoy everything. i had a sip of coffee with a friend and wonder where i should walk from now on.

i am not ready yet, but the world keeps rotating even if i tell her to stop.

i look outside the window and i can only see the reflection of my room. i wonder if life's outside a cage?