deranged yet again

my last post was a bit of a nonsense, so i decided to 'revamp' it. a bit.

recently i felt sick. felt sick of this and that: school study social and shits. increasing pressure from nearly everywhere, if i could, i would let go, but simply could not, to keep the routine done and achieve satisfaction from every work. apparently they were too much, and i finally slipped off at one time: nearly missing and failing one particular, core, hurdle assessment. it was pure mistake, pure error, i must say, but i could not deny that perhaps my nature contributes some to that. i still have not known what the outcome is going to be, though nevertheless nothing can be done, not at time like this.

i need to stay focus but i cannot, though i have to.

the job somehow becomes no longer fascinating for me. it is now no more than a call of duty i need to be responsible of. i wish, though wish does never quite change anything, no more than giving artificial sense of calm, either i could turn back time or hit the fast-forward button and resume life the way it is supposed to be. funny, i do not know enough about the way of life, how it is supposed to be, or how it is now.

oh, and how escapade is like a bubble gum.

they might say i have lost myself, i am perhaps, but giving out a statement like that is 'analogous' to pessimism.
people might say differently: self-denial.
i would put myself, however, not to take things for granted, though sickened.

"it happens yet again, this is not the first time, things are not as worse as it seems"
words of encouragement providing, again, artificial calmness.

i love that phrase.

and someday there might come the day where i let go of everything, either because i am very sickened or i am very enlightened.
both will give the same result, as they correlate to each other.

i assume every anxiety, relieved, when time folds, revealing serene bliss or true nightmare, though what is disclosed sometimes is not of a great importance.

inability to do things is sucks, and ranting here is one way to waste the time.