dirt, scum, and all the things you don't want to find in your pool

so yeah, hello from me and yes i wrote a post on half past three in the morning. i cannot sleep, and it is not that i can't be bothered to rest. i have a lot in thoughts that i just could not shake off though i wholeheartedly trying to get it out of my mind.

and when you read this maybe you'll say: "duh. why just can't he try to relax once?"

i tried you see, but i can't really help it. i always have the option to chill and let things flow, but one might know that i'd rather say 'what if' now rather than later when i no longer can change things. i perhaps experimented too much inside my mind that i can't really put it at ease.

i feel kinda bad though for my brain. i hope she's doing well.

oh well, so what's in store for me this time? i finally got a part-time job. need i to remind you that i am grateful for whatever job offered, but yeah, as you might have guessed, it did not really work that smooth.

i was thinking that perhaps it was just me as a first timer, felt that it was real tough doing something assigned to me in particular, but hey i have done them like four times now and i am not sure there is such improvement. most apparent problem are perhaps the workload and high expectation. i had to admit that my task was actually quite simple, but all the time up till now i do not really enjoy it.

i sometimes wonder if the job is worth it. i know well that there are some people out there frantically still searching for a job and i should be grateful enough to get one, and should not really complain. but i don't know, i kinda have this feeling that i could do more than this.

though, i am still trying to be positive and find a way to suit myself on the job well, believing that i will learn a few things or two that would come handy sooner or later. i try to be thankful as well, for He knows what He gives, and should not say 'but', but...

there is of course the thoughts that it'd be great just to hang on and gain as much money as i can, but then again comes the question whether the job is really meant to be a learning process or no more than just my luck.

now what? i am not clearly sure, but my plan is to survive for another month or so doing them twice a week. and then perhaps i'd change it to once a week routine, or if things get better, continue hence.

on a side note after you hear (perhaps, read) me (my) ranting about my job, i've occupied myself lately with book(s), from reading novel or lecture notes, which is a good thing and unofficially turns myself into somewhat a nerd. but you know i do not mind so. i also give a few thoughts about which majors i should take and blah blah. now you know all sort of things have been going on inside my head lately.

and let me conclude so by saying that i am not scared to grow old, but to not realize that i have gone astray from the path i should have taken. though fate is one odd thing that you often have to fall and get lost before the truth is revealed.

alas, let me now go back to my bed and hopefully i could make it to wake up soon. i also wish that i will be reassured that i do not have to worry too much. pray me so, if i may beg.

cheers.